Good vibrations.

January 20, 2012 at 2:02 pm 2 comments

Hi, my name is Amy.

(Hiiiiiii, Aaaaaameeee.)

And I am a professional snorer.

Seriously.  My snoring has gotten out of control recently.  It’s a vicious cycle: I’m tired, therefore I snore.  I snore, therefore I’m tired.

This is not a delicate female snore, either.  No, in the middle of the night I sound like a middle aged trucker who’s coming off a bender.

I rarely snored before having kids.  But it seemed the instant I got a positive pregnancy test – in both pregnancies – I started snoring.  Congrats!  You’re having a baby!  Zzzz…snort, snort, snurgle…Wha?  What just happened?

Now I blame it on a variety of factors: kids keeping me up at night mean I sleep a lot lighter these days.  My weight is also higher, which contributes to snoring.  But I can attribute 75% of it to rotten genetic luck.

I come from a long line of Olympic-caliber snorers.  Grandma Ella could rock the house.  My father inherited her talent.  I have more than one relative on that side of the family who uses a CPAP machine.  It’s something to do with our jawline and face shape, the way the windpipe collapses in when we relax.

The snoring was waking me up.  It’s a horrible feeling; as you doze off, the uncomfortable rattle starts in the back of your throat.  And you’d think it would be better if I switch to sleeping on my side.  Nope.  Every morning I would wake up, so tired it felt as if I had never slept at all.

Brad has been the biggest victim in all of this.  He recently set up the air mattress in the basement, taking refuge from the rumbling beast beside him.  There are two problems with this arrangement, however.  The first is that it’s cold in our basement.  The second is why should Brad have to decamp from his nice warm bed when I’m the one with the problem?  It wasn’t fair, I know.

A few weeks ago he mentioned – in an I’m-trying-to-act-casual-but-this-is-really-important kind of way – a commercial he had seen.  It was for a product called Pure Sleep, a mouthguard that keeps you from snoring.  It’s similar to the one that dentists sell, without the hefty price tag.  For a mere $60, I would get a good night’s sleep.  But wait, there’s more!  Act now and we’ll send you a second one for free.  And pay only the $10 shipping, try it for 30 days, and send it back if it doesn’t work!

For $10, it was worth a shot.

I’ve had my Pure Sleep for a week now.  It came in the mail last Friday.  It’s a plastic piece that fits in both the upper and lower parts of your mouth, reminiscent of the plastic retainer I was given after I got my braces off some 20+ years ago.  When you get it, there’s some prep work you have to do to properly fit it.  First you have to connect it on the right setting.  Then you have to boil it for one minute, making the plastic moldable.  After waiting 12-16 seconds (fewer than that, and you’ll burn your mouth; longer and the plastic won’t mold properly) you insert and bite down.  The plastic molds to your mouth, and when it’s positioned correctly, it keeps your bottom jaw from falling backwards as you relax and closing off the windpipe.

It took some getting used to at first.  It’s definitely not pretty; it pushes out my already-full bottom lip.  I look like Bubba from Forrest Gump crossed with Muhammed Ali before a fight.  At first, saliva pools around it, then while you’re sleeping your mouth dries out completely.  I’ve had to learn to apply lip balm before bed, because more than once my lips have cracked as I’ve removed the guard.

BUT – and this is a big BUT – it WORKS.  It has eliminated the snoring.  The second night, it was bugging me so I took it out in the wee small hours of the morning.  Brad said to me, “You took your mouth guard out about 6:00 this morning, didn’t you?”  He could tell because I started snoring after that.  Since then, I’ve worn it all night long and he hasn’t heard a peep out of me.

Now if I could just get the 2-year-old to sleep through the night.  We’d be in business.

Entry filed under: Life in general. Tags: , .

The Weekly Weigh-In: January 13 The Weekly Weigh-In: January 21

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Denise  |  January 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Wow! Might be a mom in this household who might get to sleep on her right side if she had one…. hmmmmmm. Thanks for the post from one olympic snorer to another.

  • 2. Aunt Dano  |  January 20, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Well, it IS cheaper that a sleep study or a CPAP machine, but I sure feel better with mine (I confess, I’m one of them). I’m more rested, no more sore throats and I think I’m not sick as much. That being said, now I clench my teeth… of your little guards would help that! Sooooo, with a face mask on and a guard in, I’d be a raving beauty! Love you anyhow, Amy Dawn!


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